The Antidote To FOMO (And FOBO)

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Loneliness is an ever-present problem in the world at large, especially in America. The “loneliness epidemic” continues to worsen, while many feel at a loss for how to begin to connect with others.¹ So many have turned to their social media feeds to construct bonds with others where they may feel like they’re lacking.

As a result, people today are bombarded with other people’s “lives” presented on social media. They hear the details of their inner thoughts and ideas, and they see others’ plans, vacations, and social get-togethers come to fruition. The world outside is now in the palm of our hands, and most of the time, we aren’t the ones participating in it — we’re merely onlookers.

Technology Exacerbates FOMO. Digital media, especially social networking sites, are always pushing us toward what else we can have — more money, higher status, better looks — anything better than what we already have. This is a perfectly ripe situation for FOMO, the “fear of missing out,” to run rampant among adults and teens alike.

FOMO is somewhat confusingly named because, at its root, it is tied more to anxiety than to fear. While fear connotes an immediate threat and the biological response it creates in us (the fight, flight, or freeze response), anxiety is much broader. It encompasses the anticipation of something — something like missing out on an experience we could have had, such as exploring a new city or trying a new restaurant.²

In fact, the history of the term FOMO is directly related to social media. Alexis Benveniste, in her article for the New York Times, explains, “The first written record of FOMO appeared in May 2004, when Patrick J. McGinnis used the term in an op-ed in The Harbus, Harvard Business School’s magazine.”³ This particular construction came about to “describe a phenomenon observed on social networking sites.”⁴ Because social sites create social context for many people, the phrase “fear of missing out” contains two main elements: the passive “perception of missing out” leads to the action of “a compulsive behavior to maintain these social connections.”⁵

The first element of FOMO, the perception of missing out, arises when we see people or things that are perceived to be desirable. In many ways, social media has conditioned us to look for the next dopamine hit.⁶ As we scroll, we are rewarded with varying levels of feelings of connectedness and happiness. And each time, we want to see more. Research shows that solitude behaviors can also be a predictor of feelings of FOMO, and potentially even the cause of it.⁷ When we passively engage with social networking sites, it can exacerbate our perception of being left out or our desire to commit to too many things, fearing we may miss out on something important.

Second, FOMO includes a compulsive active response to the feelings it brings about in which one attempts to maintain social bonds. The human desire for upward social mobility is exacerbated and highlighted outrageously on social media. Mayank Gupta and Aditya Sharma explain how this can contribute to real-life risky behaviors, especially in teens and young adults: “A constant need for rewarding experiences reinforces one with FoMO to engage in risky activities to maximize socialization opportunities. FoMO has been associated with negative alcohol-related consequences either through higher alcohol use or greater willingness to engage in higher risk behaviors. Adolescents with FoMO may [be] likely to experiment with drugs and alcohol to fit in with peers on SNS [social networking sites].”⁸

Beyond just risky behaviors, this compulsive social bond seeking can manifest in overcommitment, inability to create needed boundaries in relationships, and a worsening of already problematic social media use.

FOMO is not simply a distressed state of mind. In extreme cases, it can cause serious physical symptoms. Though it begins with a perception of feeling left out, or a feeling of possibly missing something you could be doing, its root is in the social interaction that is perceived to be at stake. FOMO, when coupled with other problematic interactive media use (PIMU),⁹ can cause “lack of sleep, reduced life competency, emotional tension, negative effects on physical well-being, anxiety and a lack of emotional control; with intimate connections possibly being seen as a way to counter social rejection.”¹⁰

FOMO Is Not a New Problem

In the beginning, God created man and woman to live together, sharing a life and purpose in cultivating and stewarding the garden of Eden. Both made in the image of God, Adam and Eve did as God commanded them and took care of the creation entrusted to them. But all of that changed when the serpent appeared and planted a seed of doubt in Eve’s mind: “You will not surely die. For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil” (Genesis 3:4–5).¹¹ This was the earliest recorded case of FOMO.¹²

Eve did not desire to eat the fruit for sustenance. No. She wanted to “be like God, knowing good and evil.” She feared that she was missing out on something important — something that should have been given to her by God. And, in eating the fruit, some of the serpent’s words did come true. Up to that point, Eve had known only good; now she knew evil.

The “fear of missing out” is often considered to be a young-person problem, but it’s something that affects people of all ages and all walks of life. Fabienne Harford, a writer and church worker, explains: “[FOMO] is at the root of every sin: the panic that if we obey God we will miss out on something good.”¹³ Many sins stem from FOMO. For example, sorcery stems from a desire to grasp at power that is not ours to wield. Jealousy stems from a desire to have something someone else has. Lust has at its root a desire for a person who has not been given to us in marriage. All these things and many more reveal the sinful heart — the “fear of missing out” on something that is not meant for us, or something that is contrary to God’s law.

God’s law does an excellent job of telling us the things that will be good for us, along with the things we should avoid. In the moments when FOMO gets the best of us and we desire things in opposition to God’s law, that is — by definition — sin. Harford explains, “FOMO feeds on the scarcity of time. It appeals to our awareness that life is but a breath (Job 7:7). We begin to think that this life is our only chance for joy; if miss this moment, there will never be another.”¹⁴

FOMO Turning into FOBO

Today, the younger generations are moving from typical FOMO to FOBO, the “fear of a better option.” This phrase was coined by the same writer, McGinnis, at the same time as FOMO.¹⁵ While FOMO explains a social phenomenon of feeling left out and the compulsive behavior to continue social bonds, FOBO is more akin to social paralysis. Jerry Riendeau, Presbyterian Church in America (PCA) pastor, writes, “The average young person’s inner dialogue seems to have shifted from What if I don’t go and they have fun without me? to What if I commit now and regret it later?”¹⁶

 FOBO reveals a different kind of underlying anxiety, the worry that, among all the social choices presented to you, you may have chosen the wrong one, or at the very least, the not-best one. Tim Herrera, a writer for the New York Times, makes a connection between FOBO and what researchers call “maximization.” This is the “relentless researching of all possible options for fear that you’ll miss out on the ‘best’ one, leading to indecision, regret and even lower levels of happiness.”¹⁷ This often results in people second-guessing decisions that they have made, along with overall dissatisfaction with some of the most important aspects of life: romantic relationships, friendships, church fellowship, and even careers.

A very practical way that we see FOBO manifesting in our culture today is in dating. Just as one can get sucked into the endless scrolling of options on Netflix, the same can happen on dating apps. When swiping through profile after profile, it can become easy to forget that there are actual people behind those pictures. Leah Asmelash, a culture writer for CNN, explains:

This can also be minimizing. When boiling down your entire person into a single picture and a few quirky responses, subtleties are bound to get lost….That minimization can have consequences. Like many people, Brian, a civil engineer in Atlanta, approached dating with a list of qualities he wanted the other person to have….That mindset was reinforced by the apps, he said. If there was someone who wasn’t athletic, why bother dating them when so many other options were just a swipe away?¹⁸

This “qualification list” mindset contributes to FOBO. If there’s a chance someone may be a better fit, why not just keep swiping until you find a better match? And once you find someone who more-or-less fits your qualifications, who’s to say that there still isn’t a better match out there? This precise anxiety is FOBO.

McGinnis details how this behavior manifested in his classmates while he was at Harvard Business School: “We hedged, lived in a world of maybes and were paralyzed at the prospect of actually committing to something, out of fear that we might be choosing something that wasn’t the absolutely perfect option.”¹⁹ McGinnis explains that FOBO is an “affliction of affluence” and “a byproduct of a hyper-busy, hyper-connected world in which everything seems possible, and, as a result, you are spoiled for choice. It’s also driven by narcissism. People with F.O.B.O. put themselves and their needs and wants squarely around the people around them — all of the people who are adversely affected by their F.O.B.O.”²⁰

FOMO and FOBO both focus squarely on the self. This is, at its root, selfishness.

The Antidote to FOMO and FOBO

FOMO and FOBO fester where there is an unrelenting desire for more. They grow when we are discontented with what we already have and seek out fleeting feelings of happiness. But focusing on being content with what we have and thankful for what God has given us can reorient our hearts to remember from whom comes all we have. As the apostle Paul explains, “godliness with contentment is great gain, for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world” (1 Timothy 6:6–7).

What we have as Christians is something greater than upward social mobility, something more than a never-ending stream of fun, exciting experiences — we have Jesus. With Jesus, we have eternal life, an inheritance that won’t pass away, and everlasting salvation. Harford says it beautifully: “Settle it in your heart: as long as you have God, you miss nothing. Psalm 16 assures us that there is no good apart from him and in his presence there is fullness of joy. Fullness. No greater joy can be found anywhere else. The solution to your FOMO is to be with God.”²¹

When we feel bombarded with options, and FOBO sets in, we can have confidence in God’s promises for us. No matter what choices we make in this world, “we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose” (Romans 8:28 NKJV). He will not leave or forsake us (Deuteronomy 31:8), and He will use us to do His will and work in the world (Ephesians 2:10). There’s no need to be paralyzed by indecision, we can pray for direction, then use our reason to make a good enough choice, and then trust that God will help us and guide us.

Where the world promises us happiness if we make the “right” or “best” choices — leaving us paralyzed — God has freed us from crippling indecision about creating our own happiness. If we know that God gives us all things in our lives, we do not need to add anything to be “more happy.” Instead, we can receive God’s blessings with joy. We can love others because Christ first loved us. As Riendeau says, “Love requires making and keeping commitments.”²² By loving our neighbor and being true to our word when we make commitments, we show what it means to be Christ-followers in a world that is oriented toward the self.

Further, FOMO and FOBO are quashed when hope is present. As Christians, we have hope looking toward our eternal home with Jesus. There is a greater experience that we can look forward to: the new heavens and new earth and eternal life with Christ. The apostle John explains: “And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, ‘Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away’” (Revelation 21:3–4).

This reality is not contingent upon us making the right choices, but it relies solely on God’s promise to us. And He will keep it. This frees us to look forward to our eternal home with great expectation and helps keep us focused on what we can do to love and serve those around us before Jesus returns. With both hope and contentment, we can battle against the self-oriented trends of our day and receive what God has for us with thankfulness.

Lisa Cooper is a senior copywriter at RevelationMedia and a freelance writer with Barna. She has a master’s degree in religion from The American Lutheran Theological Seminary.

NOTES

1. Lisa Cooper, “The Loneliness Crisis in America and How the Church Can Help,” Christian Research Journal, October 4, 2023, https://www.equip.org/articles/the-loneliness-crisis-in-america-and-how-the-church-can-help/.
2. Alexis Benveniste, “The Evolution of Friendship and FOMO,” New York Times, February 25, 2022, https://www.nytimes.com/2022/02/25/crosswords/the-evolution-of-friendship-and-fomo.html.
3. Benveniste, “The Evolution of Friendship and FOMO.”
4. Mayank Gupta and Aditya Sharma, “Fear of Missing Out: A Brief Overview of Origin, Theoretical Underpinnings and Relationship with Mental Health,” World Journal of Clinical Cases 9, no. 19 (2021): 4881–4889, doi:10.12998/wjcc.v9.i19.4881.
5. Gupta and Sharma, “Fear of Missing Out.”
6. Lisa Cooper, “A Christian Response to Scrolling and Doomscrolling,” Christian Research Journal, January 3, 2024, https://www.equip.org/articles/a-christian-response-to-scrolling-and-doomscrolling/.
7. Xinyang Liu, Tour Liu, Zhao Zhou, and Fuyu Wan, “The Effect of Fear of Missing Out on Mental Health: Differences in Different Solitude Behaviors,” BMC Psychology 11, no. 141 (2023), doi:10.1186/s40359-023-01184-5.
8. Gupta and Sharma, “Fear of Missing Out.”
9. Cooper, “A Christian Response to Scrolling and Doomscrolling.”
10. 1Gupta and Sharma, “Fear of Missing Out.”
11. All Scripture passages are from the ESV unless otherwise indicated.
12. “In fact, FOMO is the primeval human fear, the first fear stoked in hearts when a slithering serpent spoke softly of a one-time opportunity that proved too good to pass up. Eat from the one forbidden tree, Eve, ‘and you will be like God’ (Genesis 3:5).” Tony Reinke, “The Only FOMO to Fear,” Desiring God, October 14, 2015, https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/the-only-fomo-to-fear.
13. Fabienne Harford, “Have No FOMO,” The Gospel Coalition, January 29, 2015, https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/have-no-fomo/.
14. Harford, “Have No FOMO.”
15. Benveniste, “The Evolution of Friendship and FOMO.”
16. Jerry Riendeau, “FOBO: Gen Z’s FOMO,” The Gospel Coalition, January 8, 2023, https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/fobo-genz-fomo/.
17. Tim Herrera, “How to Make Tough Decisions Easier,” New York Times, June 4, 2018, https://www.nytimes.com/2018/06/04/smarter-living/how-to-finally-just-make-a-decision.html.
18. Leah Asmelash, “How Dating Apps ‘Ruined Dating’ for Some,” CNN, November 2, 2023, https://www.cnn.com/2023/11/02/us/dating-apps-changed-relationships-wellness-cec/index.html.
19. Patrick McGinnis, quoted in Tim Herrera, “How to Beat F.O.B.O., from the Expert Who Coined It,” New York Times, July 30, 2018, https://www.nytimes.com/2018/07/30/smarter-living/how-to-beat-fobo-from-the-expert-who-coined-it.html.
20. McGinnis, quoted in Herrera, “How to Beat F.O.B.O.”
21. Harford, “Have No FOMO.”
22. Riendeau, “FOBO: Gen Z’s FOMO.”